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[Retirement] I didn’t realize just how long (Retiree) had been with the company until he was cleaning out his desk and found a stage coach ticket.

What can you say about a man who is admired, revered, and loved by everyone? I can start by saying he’s not the man we’re honoring tonight.

He doesn’t put on airs. After all the holiday eating, he has enough trouble just putting on his pants.

He’s afraid nobody will remember him when he’s gone. Gee, I can think of several reasons he’ll be remembered. He wouldn’t like any of them, but I can think of them.

With most people, the left side of your brain does some things, and the right side does others. In his case, however, neither side seems to do a whole lot.

He’s always been a swinger. Instead of an umbilical cord, he was born with a bungee cord.

There’s no middle ground with this guy—you either hate him or detest him.

Hey, what do you expect from a guy who was born in an Edsel?

I’d like to introduce a man who never says a bad word about anybody. He doesn’t know anybody.

This guy is so middle-of-the-road, his nickname is "Median."

I don't like him -- and I always will.

Only woman I know who owns a mink coat with a picture of Brad Pitt on it.

He may be a vegetarian but he's still full of baloney.

[The boss] He’s not the kind of man who takes work home with him. How can he? We do all the work.

[Birthday] You’re a year older, but you’ll never be over the hill—not in the car you drive.

Before I introduce our guest of honor, I’d like to introduce several people who admire and revere him. And since there’s no one here like that, I’ll introduce him.

He's one of the most colorful personalities I know. He's green with envy, and there's a yellow streak down his back.

He has the grace of a swan, the wisdom of an owl ... the eye of an eagle... Ladies and gentlemen, this man is for the birds!

I don't want to say he's immature, but the man can cuss like a 10-year-old.

She can out-talk an echo.

We received a number of congratulatory telegrams for this event—from people congratulating themselves for not being here.

Our next speaker could have been telling his jokes in (Houston) tonight, but he chose to tell them here in (Dallas) because of his high regard for the people of—(Houston).

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