CuteChoice > One Liners > A Handful of 1 Liners

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it ... so I said "Implants?"

I don't do drugs anymore ... I get the same effect just standing up fast.

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea ... "

I have my own little world. But it's OK ... they know me here.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas ... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes ... I've seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade, if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades ... now THAT'S a message!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect - therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?